1. |
Hope by Another Name
03:45
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Damp windowsill
No rain falling outside
Messages still to be sent
Glancing past my foresight
Vibrating room with screams
Feeling my knees crash in
Hereditary influence
Hope by another name
You got scared
The world moved out of hand
Learning sometimes
It hurts more to comprehend
I had no heart to say it was an easy feat
Though life kicks back, death has no beat
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2. |
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Living through death in my car
Passing through things I thought would go away
Can’t tell if it’s due to age
or something I cannot change
Watching the things I can’t stand
to learn about things I cannot understand
Making a friend of the night
to try and render feelings of light
If the moment wants to stand still, then I don’t know
Though my past tells me to look back, I must look down and go
The cold air is back and it breathes down my spine
Living and breathing at the same time
This tenderness I’ve never known
I can feel a warmth radiate from my phone
Volatile states dissipate
For a solution, I’ll never wait
The way the sun looks at me some days feels sublime
Like a song I used to love, I want a pizza and a bottle of wine
Whether this is melancholic or jubilant is not mine
Living and breathing at the same time
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3. |
Where I'm at, Right Now
03:54
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Where I’m at right now involves a revolving door
because at the drop of a name that can change to be so much more
Where I’d be at, then, is a grocery store in West Berlin around November 2015
unaware if I’m changing my life or if my life is changing me
Where I’m at right now is less of a place and more of a list
I can be selfish, co-dependent, happy, alone, neurotic, dissipating, scared of what my mind sees through my eyes, And, if given a bottle, I can also not give a shit
My emotions can fly as high as an eagle does in spring
and, if you leave me alone for long enough, I might even sing
I want you to know that I’m trying to be as flowing as the trees can be
Sincerely, J.B. to future me
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4. |
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Shadow my brain as it talks through my mouth
Wandering around early morning to try and find out
who is even awake
and will I wake them if I say what I really think?
Oooh, I’ll just be quiet
Oh…I’ll try to be quiet
And if you ever wanted to run up and tell me
All those times I left my windows open for butterflies flying in
Trying to push memories out the door
...maybe this freedom was never really worth fighting for
I’d say “you’re right,
I should’ve known better.
What’s next?”
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5. |
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Look out the window
The lights go on too long
The streets of town are either on or off
Feels like a year since I’ve felt this flow with ease
Not feeling patience that’s temporary
The weather’s passing by
The feeling’s gone again
I don’t know if in a year we’ll still be friends
Not out of motive or pandering lightly
Just either one of us could leave before our time goes gently
But that doesn’t mean our time was never really our time
But that’s the thing that I’ve seen on Meadow Road
People come here to grow up, then they go
Into a new life unawakening
Some choosing needles and some foresaking them
And I have learned what makes my mind run in circles
And I have learned what I can also use to turn it off
But, for me, it’s perpetual motion that makes it very hard to choose
Some may disagree,
but they do things I can’t see or want to see
Though it’s not for me,
choosing not to leave can still be a progression
I want to apologize!
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6. |
You, in New Places
02:13
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You in the way
You in the sun
On my way over
On my way out of town
I could blame it on you,
but that wouldn’t be fair to you or me
But at the same time, if having you in my life
really changed how I saw colors differently,
that would be a cool place to be
That would be a cool place to be
You in new places
You in the way
12th floor of a building
We’re on the edge of Brooklyn
I can see everything
Lead me to the coat room
Hold me in your arms
Kiss me in your arms
Leave the party early
to kiss you in new places
To see you in new places
To get to know you better
To let the world know we’re here
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7. |
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Well, I woke up sweating surely on a kitchen floor in Charlottenburg
Wondering if I had seen that scene before
The one I can’t forget unless my body stops breathing
You were there, but no one else in the room was laughing
You made me remember my dream
And then I start to wake up
and realize that I am better off off
I dipped my feelings in light
and now I can’t go back to sleep
You made me remember my dream
The one where I stand out and speak free
I want to run out in the streets, tell the grass, tell the morning dew
that I feel something new,
that I’m feeling renewed
And though I wanna start a scene
I remember it’s four in the morning
So, no, I won’t intervene
I will stay awake and dream
You made me remember my dream
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8. |
Looking Through a Mirror
02:14
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9. |
A Maryknoll Bird Flew
03:38
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The sky painted over blue
Out a Maryknoll bird flew
The loudest ripple I’ve ever heard
It sounded off from my phone
Reflecting water shields our eyes
I’m sure you’ve died a thousand times
Where I’m walking, I can’t relate
The sounds of white noise follow me home
The sky painted over blue
and I didn’t know what to do
The only feeling that remains
is knowing I know you better now that you’re gone
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10. |
Paris Can Wait
03:14
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We could live across the street
or be neighbors like in college
You could walk your dog at sunset
and I could walk myself at dawn
I could try to plant some flowers,
but we both know me too well
At that I won’t be successful
‘til I can take care of myself
But, no matter in which city or state
or country this future will be,
I think we should call it “Paris”
I can’t promise I’ll be fine,
but you can’t promise that as well
So, maybe we’ll each find someone
who is capable of knowing we all can manifest both Heaven and Hell
But, no matter in which city or state
or country this future will be,
I think we should call it “Paris”
Oh, forgive me for thinking hopefully,
but between the erratic moods
and the feelings accrued
and the things we do that don’t reflect who we wanna be
We’ll know the difference between being fulfilled and just being happy
But, for now,
we can wait on Paris
Yeah, Paris can wait
Let’s just focus on our lives,
not how long that will take
Yeah, Paris can wait
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11. |
Lust for Life
03:03
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I can see it in my eyes
sometimes when I remember
my feelings are on the floor and wrapped around
the things and the people I surround
The past two days have been a blur,
but I’m blurring through the passes
I’m learning to get used to things as they go
I want to be thrown decades ahead!
There’s a fine line between tragedy and release
I want to embody that fine line between tragedy and release
...but I think you’re right
It’s not often that we get to go back,
so, let’s go back
Once again clean my glasses
Write down this feeling before it passes
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12. |
The Q Train
02:34
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Feeling grace passing through me
Can’t tell it apart from torn seams
My mind feels ashamed though there’s nobody else in the room
and my heart beats at a new volume
Driving around for two weeks
In motion, but not moving
Caught in a moment where I couldn’t stop time
In-between bane and divine
No definition for this is needed
Kyle tells me that knowing needs no reason
I don’t care about bad fortune from this height
Our first phone call went straight to my brain
I can feel my mind changing on the Q train
I want to trust my feet
Feel the ground underneath
Make peace with my mind and get encapsulated by the sighs
The sounds that make this city groove
I want to trust that my feelings are true
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13. |
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Keeping it all
Keeping it all together
not just in spite of the weather
Refuse to talk
Though in the street it’s you I see,
I would be talking to a memory
Explaining my condition to a man who thinks my brace is nifty
I say “it’s not what you think”
He says “you look like a runner to me”
Sometimes it is not about what disappears,
but the things that stay constant, oh so clear
As long as you keep the wheels turning,
your mind can stop your heart from truly burning
Sometimes I feel disjointed, not here or there
Perpetual motion makes me self-aware
that no matter how the sunrise kisses the sea,
people’s view of it will be what they want it to be
I grip the pavement, feeling nervous
as I talk to Forrest, my friend
He asks “if you’ve not moved inward,
maybe you’re not done moving yet?”
Sometimes it is not about what disappears,
but the things that stay constant, oh so clear
As my friends lead me somewhere avoiding a ghost,
I remember that motion matters most
Sometimes I feel disjointed, not here or there
Perpetual motion makes me kinda scared
But no matter how the sunfall kisses the sea
or the things you think you didn’t want to believe
or the person that you may not ever be
People’s view of you will be what they want it to be
As I try to think of something clever to say
I give in, say “you’re right,
that’s me, I’m always running,
have a good morning.”
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14. |
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Wait for my feet to catch up with the pace
that my mind moves at on these cloudy, snowy days
But that’s the thing, I think of you and my heart thinks “spring”
And Mike says you probably don’t know what I’m thinking of
No one can hear you scream in love
And I was standing at a show
Because I said I’d see my friends
But then halfway through their set,
I felt a sharp pain cross my head
And so I left to go to bed
but quickly forgot what I said
‘Cos when I locked eyes with your eyes,
I felt my face turn blood red
But I’m sure that you didn’t know
that then I knew I had to go
‘Cos when I saw your face in light,
I wondered “will I sleep tonight?”
...and I think Mike’s right,
you probably don’t know what I’m thinking of
No one can hear you scream in love
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15. |
The Long Way Home
04:19
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Nothing has to change in three years
You can look across the table in the same dimly lit coffee shop
and see the same face
One that’s telling you how lately all these problems seem paper thin
when life comes in
And though my brain tells me not to let go
Oh, that’s just how it goes
I said goodnight to someone I do not know
and now I’m scared
though I know that there’s no room now to be scared
And now I’m talking on my phone
Looking at the road
Looking beyond the road
Trying to see something that I recognize
But I know that’s not the goal
More than learning to not have focus on my own
Embracing how sometimes I now inhale Hell and exhale hope
A/C in your hair
Cool running down my spine
Rain dampening my clothes
The rest of my life
Today I almost died
...I think I’ll take the long way home
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16. |
Caroline
03:14
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Caroline
She welcomes me with ease
A stray dog in the breeze
that needs a place to stay until morning
I sit down
admit I failed at spaghetti
How did I fail to make spaghetti?
But she laughs and says "that's fine,
have this - it's made from lentil beans"
She shows me some new proofs
Some nonsense, but others proof
that she's finding her own way
with something new to say
In the way
Something we've talked about before,
but only 'cos it's true
It's kinda hard to tell what speed you're going at
when everything is spinning
By this time next May,
we'll go our separate ways
Though that could be the same direction anyway
Oh, friend,
in truth, I often think
that if you ever go
people won't know if they're saying goodbye
or hello
'Cos they won't be able to tell
the difference between your face
the flowers you lay upon
and the dirt
What a beautiful thing that must be,
to end your life blending in with the nature that surrounds you
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17. |
Gibbs St.
03:31
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What if there’s nothing?
Nothing behind me
What if my worry
fades with the warm air?
What if my eyes are
the ones that are lying?
What if I had a
reason for crying?
Then I might know why the best times feel like wandering around,
touching nothing of myself or the ground
If I had something
sure beneath my feet,
then I could fall asleep here on Gibbs St.
But would I wake up?
I smoked my last last cigarette today
‘Cos time moves fast enough without me
Not that it’s too fast, I just worry too much about who I will be
I shouldn’t worry about things I cannot see
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18. |
Asleep at the Wheel
02:19
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2 a.m. highway roads
Driving to the airport to get you and bring Thai basil rice
Won’t that be nice?
But first I have to drive alone
and get over my fear of the road
It’s all I’ve known
Worried that somebody must be dead
but knowing it’s all in my head
What more can be said?
It doesn’t make much sense,
but right now I feel like I don’t need the present tense
It used to be a fear,
but now I’m holding near
these moments where my mind is gone while driving
You could say I’m asleep at the wheel
But my eyes aren’t closed or screaming
No, what I mean is that I’m dreaming
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19. |
Ever-Ready Blue
02:18
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Ever-Ready Blue
This one’s for you
The ground moving beneath our feet
Premonition parallel to the evening breeze
Catching myself speak softly though there’s no one else around
Trying to see meaning in the feeling of this sound
I said it
Time stopped
And I’ve heard that’s the difference
between loving and being in love
Ever-Ready Blue
I woke up to the speed of wind in your bedroom ringing through
Couldn’t fall back asleep ‘cos once I hugged you and felt an ocean
...I think I’m falling into you,
Ever-Ready Blue
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20. |
Angels (2008, 2014)
03:51
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The summer air cut deep
in the skin on me that couldn’t stand the heat
So I walked up to the door,
but I shouldn’t have been walking on all fours
Then a man let me inside
then whispered something I couldn’t reason with, though I tried
He said “you’ll live life without pride if you live life without an angel by your side”
Oh, all that I thought
is that I don’t want to try
and try to think a lot
Oh, all that I thought
is maybe what I have
is better than what I have not
The winter air cut deep
in the skin on me that couldn’t stand the cold
But, still, I walked up to the door
I thought I shouldn’t have been walking on all fours
Then an angel sang out!
They didn’t really know much more
and that the way I’m walking is what my arms are for
I didn’t pay attention and saw a deer glide by outside
I think I heard that self sufficiency is worth more than pride
Oh, all that I thought
is that I don’t want to try
and try to think a lot
Oh, all that I thought
is maybe what I have
is better than what I have not
The city sounds cut deep
in the part of my mind that can miss a beat
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21. |
My Eyes at the Moment
04:25
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22. |
Let it Be (Ocean Blue)
05:20
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The sun breaks out o’er the ridge
as a girl’s breath lingers on
to someone that will her in
so she can ask some questions
and maybe get some clarity
on how the rain melts in her mind
and how her brain can’t really see
what is right in front of her eyes
Oh, she’s pushed out
Back out with more questions
A college student drops a tab
ignoring worry from his friends
that his body won’t be well
until his mind is in good health
Oh, euphoria and states of glee
fractal notes and power shrines
understanding what his mother saw
when she claimed she saw God
Just a feeling
Just a feeling for something else
A twenty-something falls in love
but this time it feels right
two lines meeting on a path
albeit different stages of life
When they put their hand on his chest
they can feel his heart beat
knowing someday it’ll have to stop
like each breath that lingers on
I only now just realized
I don’t often dream of the sky
No, my wonder always goes askew
Redirects down to the ocean blue
And how deep does life go
And does it always reach the bottom?
Or do some answers hurt more than questions?
Oh, better to let it be
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23. |
This is You
02:22
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This is you
Here I am
If I tell you
How I feel
Always wanting
Love is real
I’ve been through
Many happy years
With you
That's true
But with sorrow
We have found
Room to grow
But that's life
This is me
This is you
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24. |
Some Kind of Garden
01:49
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I am sitting with iced coffee though it’s freezing cold outside
It’s 5 a.m. and I am feeling things I can’t describe
Though they’re coming off as new, they also seem quite old
Not in a mediocre way, but more like “where were they before?”
I’m thinking things I’d say in New York though I’m now living Upstate
Like when you’re on a moving bus but feel frozen inside
Spoke on the phone with yesterday to talk about today
and how tomorrow today will have been yesterday
Then I wrote a couple letters to people I won’t see again
It’s always good to have something I’ve worked on, but never shared
So I’ll say the things I never said and never will say
But that’s fine with me - some things are left best unsaid
I know nothing about flowers, but these words feel like seeds
So I’ll plant them in some soil and see how they look in a month
I’ll water all these memories and just try to make some sense
But if they die, that’s fine
‘Cos in my life, I’d like to have some kind of garden
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Marlene Bellissimo Berlin, Germany
I'm a trans woman in Berlin with songs from a past life. More music coming soon🌸
Email me: marlene.bellissimo@gmail.com
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